Time to Refocus Again…

She knew this transition was not about becoming someone better, but about allowing herself to become who she’d always been. 

I have that quote written just about everywhere, it helps me not to give up. Lately, giving up seemed like the best option because of a few stresses that have entered my life. Some old habits started to creep right back into my life, and those need to be corrected. Some of those habits are eating out, and chocolate! The damn chocolate and period thing is a beautiful disaster for me. I can have it in the house and not eat it, and only treat myself to a little bit now and then. But right when aunt flow comes to visit that chocolate is long gone and same with all the salty foods.  I also decided to take a little vacation from MyFitnessPal which was a horrible mistake. I lost the ambition to count my calories. So, that quote above fits what I am feeling right now. This transition is not for me to become better, its about letting that girl who has always been here shine! I know that this is a stage right now and I will fight through it.

Right now I am 264, which puts me only 14 pounds away from meeting my first initial goal I set myself at when I started this journey. Which is awesome! I mean, I haven’t been at this weight since like back in high school. I am currently into a new size which is 18/20 sadly I don’t have any clothes that fit me right, as of right now. Shopping trip as soon as I get some money! Also, I need to sell some clothes or donate them. That fear that I will regain 133 pounds in a matter of days still haunts me. I just need to say goodbye to those clothes, cause damnit I will not be a clothes hoarder!

So I mentioned some stresses that entered my life, well one has been resolved. That stress was being sick all the time for a month, I soon found out my gallbladder was failing me. It was time to take it out, which my surgeon did on July 15th. I feel so much better now that I can eat and not have it hurt all the time. Now, I need to get the acid reflux to calm down because that is back to haunt me. Another stress, is mostly financial.

So, here is some updating. I am now single. After 2 1/2 years it feels odd to be single again. The break up with my ex was very mutual and very adult like. I am happy there was no drama, and that him and I can remain friends. Many first has happened during this time. One first is being complimented on by guys who back in the day when I was 133 pounds heavier I would never think they would compliment me or go on a date with me! Its a shock for me to get this attention, I am used to getting little to no attention at all. I mean I like it, and I don’t at the same time because it makes me think of when I was heavier, what makes me prettier? I always thought I was pretty, is it all the weight I shed that made me more attractive to men? I really don’t want an answer to any of those questions but its on my mind. Well another first happen to me and that was I went speechless over this. Here is the story. I go to Rite Aid by my work all the time, there is one cashier who always calls me pretty lady. He is a total sweetheart. Anyways, on this particular day I happened to be visited by Aunt Flow again, she is a real bitch, so I needed to get pads. I happened to look super cute at the time.  Anyways, I get the goods and head to the counter to see check out. As he is ringing me up, he looks at me and says ” You know what, you are beautiful! I mean I always thought you were pretty no doubt. But look at you, you are really beautiful.” by this time, my face is twice the color as the blush I have on and I am speechless. This has never happened to me before. So, its things like that makes me feel awesome and beautiful! Its the little things.

See super cute!

I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for me. This summer is going fast, and so far its been one hell of a ride. I am excited to attend my first concert for my best friends birthday in September. That will be a blast! Currently trying to figure out when to go to Michigan Adventures because damn it! I want to ride a roller coaster! I am working on my photography more and more and getting better at it, I am excited to take senior pictures of my cousin Matt. Another great feeling is hearing my family members who I haven’t seen in a while make comments. I was almost moved to tears last Friday when my Uncle Bryce hugged me and he wrapped his arms around me and could actually wrap them all around me. That has never happened before, it was amazing. I didn’t cry but I was almost on the verge of crying. I went and visited my grandpas grave as well, I know he is proud of me up there with all the goals and accomplishments that I am meeting. There are days, which I wish I could just go out for a drive with him and have our talks like we used too. I miss those the most, I still at times talk to him on my drives.

Alright, 3 months till my year follow up! 65 pounds to shed to reach 200! I gotta keep up the hard work! I will do this!

Love,

Kaylee!

Here I am world 264! In a XL dress! I look so skinny!!